HOW DO I LIVE
by Rob-My-Dream
Summary: Bella and Edward have been inseparable since they were kids. Bella loves Edward and Edward loves Bella but they agree that their separate interests aren't worth being a part. Through a heartbreaking love, that redefines real love, real sacrifice, and real forgiveness. ALL HUMAN Rated M
1. Chapter 1

**Author:** Miss RMD  
**Content:** Chapter 1 to 8 of 8 chapters  
**Source:**

**Summary:** Edward marries his best friend, who he loves very much. Each realizing that a love is better than none at all. Tragedy ensues, as love finally walks into Edward's life.

**Chapter 1: 1. Chapter 1**

**How Do I Live**

By Miss~RMD

Edited By MarchHare5

**Marrying My Best Friend**

**Edward**

_Five Years Ago_

Bella is everything I am not. She literally shines, and anyone who is lucky enough to have her in their lives knows what a gift she is. She is tireless, giving to a fault, loving, accepting, and absolutely the girl I would have chosen to spend my life with if things were different.

Somehow, though, regardless of things being _different_, here I am standing at the altar, the last place I thought I'd ever be. I'm so nervous. My mother is already crying, my father's eyes are red- rimmed, and he wears a look of intense pride. My sisters and brother wear the same look of awe that makes me want to laugh. They are all so proud of me.

Bella didn't want to do it this way. She wanted to just show up at some courthouse, pay the fee, sign the documents, and go home. I refused her request, though I would have rather done it that way as well. But she is my best friend, and I would never let her get married in such a way. She deserves my best, and I will spend my life giving that to her.

You see, I love her so much. She has been there for all my firsts, all my fears, all my laughter, my confusion, my joy, and definitely my pain. She knows me better than I know myself. She accepts me just as I am, and she never asks for a thing in return. Of course I don't deserve her, or what she is giving me today, but I also know without a doubt she wouldn't change a thing about it.

When we were five she told me she was in love with me in our backyard. We had a pretend wedding where our honored guests were her dolls and my two dogs, Bill and Dill, two Great Danes who attended the ceremonies, patiently watching us take that matrimonial step down the dirt path aisle.

When I kissed her she slapped my cheek.

This morning she called me in a panic.

"_Do you want to kiss? We don't have to," she asked, panicking._

"_Of course I'm going to kiss you. Why wouldn't I?" I heard her sigh into the phone. "Do you not want to kiss me?" I asked, feeling as if I'd better offer her a way out if she wanted one._

"_No. I want to," she said quietly. _

"_Bella, tell me right now-the truth. Do you still want to do this? Because we don't have to. This is my mess. I'll sort it out eventually."_

"_Do you really believe that? That you will sort this out?"_

_I thought for a minute, knowing she already knew the answer. "No. I want this, honey, but only with you."_

"_I love you so much, Edward," she said, causing my heart to soar with emotion. I could never be without her. I know that for sure. I would literally stop breathing if she weren't in my life. _

_It were as if the heavens sent her to me, because without her it's so hard to breathe._

"_I love you, Bella. Forever and ever." _

I almost don't realize the wedding march has started. My brother Jasper winks at me with a little wave to get my attention. I smile, winking back. He gives me the thumbs up, as Alice and Rosalie gush next to him.

Coincidentally I am also thirty years old today—on my wedding day. Bella's idea, not mine. She says she is giving me the gift of herself today. That is more true than she knows. Sometimes I wish I were the kind of man she needs, though she claims she doesn't need one.

Her relationships have always turned out really badly for one reason or another. Men always seem to take advantage of her kindness, and she has yet to find one who would treat her right, which angered me endlessly.

I don't know how many times she has cried helplessly on my shoulder, asking me what was wrong with her. In three months she will be thirty like myself, and in many ways she has given up on finding that one person who will make her happy.

She and I have lived together since college, taken care of each other, healed each other, and just plain been there for each other through the good, bad, and ugly. I can't imagine not spending a day with her. She is a part of me, and I need her.

When I asked her to marry me five months ago she said absolutely, positively—no. That, just because she was giving up, I was not allowed to. The thing is, I've b always known I'd never find anyone, in part because I couldn't bear to break my family's hearts. I suppose ultimately I am a coward.

Today, though, I feel brave, and there is not one ounce of trepidation about what I'm doing, because the girl walking up to me now to marry me is the girl of my dreams, the one who will never ever let me down. She is loyal, and I can trust her with everything I have.

I love her so much that her happiness is all that really matters in the long run. Nothing about what I'm doing makes me sad; I don't feel nauseous, or like I'm faking anything. Because I'm not. She is my soul mate in so many ways, and as I take her hand in mine, I know this is the right thing to do.

This is not for those people sitting out there waiting to get to the reception and the food. Not even for my family, though they are very important to me. I'm doing this because I'd rather give her my love, then let it sit and waste away for someone I will never have.

I've chosen Bella because she is the best thing that ever happened to me. I am a lucky man that she will allow me to dote on her for eternity, that she will let me love her the best I can, that I will get to spend my life adoring and protecting her.

Her hand is cool in mine, and she is shaking. Her eyes are filled with love and wet sparkling tears. Her dress is beautiful and elegant. Her hair is brought up in curly tendrils with tiny baby's breath, dyed pink. She is wearing my mother's diamond dewdrop earrings. Her veil is over her face, and though this will be the first time ever, I am excited to kiss her.

Though she says this day is a gift to me, I know in my heart that this is my gift to her as well. I will love her each and every day—till death do us part.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**How Do I Live**

By MissRMD

By MarchHare5

**Edward**

_Giving Her All of Me_

"You may kiss your bride, Edward." I hear the words, and my smile could not get any bigger. We've both dreamed of getting married, the white picket fence, two-point-five kids. Bella and I have always had parallel interests. We both want the same kind of life, mostly.

As I lift her veil her lips quiver, her hands still shaking in mine. Her mascara is slightly smudged from tears, and the smile she holds slowly melts into a look of adoration. "_Thank you_," she mouths, and I roll my eyes discreetly. She never has to thank me for this.

I lean forward, touching my lips to hers, and instead of feeling strange it feels good. I had actually suggested we practice, but we could never quite get ourselves to do it without laughing. Today, though, I am not laughing—because I love her. I want her to remember _this_ kiss.

My tongue slides tentatively against hers, and I taste the mints she always sucks on constantly, especially when she is nervous. I feel sparks ignite throughout my body, and I am slightly surprised by them. Her arms hold me firmly, and as our kiss breaks I take her hand, gazing at the ring I gave her. It sparkles even through the tears that invade my vision.

She reaches up to catch the tear that falls onto my cheek, then kisses the finger she used to wipe it away. "_Smile_," she mouths, and I do.

Before we know it we are swept into a multitude of hugs, kisses, and well wishes. There is a laundry list of valuables laid out on a table filled with things we will need to start our lives together, though we have acquired everything we need throughout the years we have lived together.

My mother hugs me tight. "Oh, Edward, I'm so happy you and Bella finally realized how good you are together."

"Mom, we've never been apart. We've lived together for ten years."

"I know, but you were always trying to find other people, when it was clear you belong to each other. I couldn't be happier you are a part of our family now, Bella." My father walks up, smiling and putting an arm around my mother.

Our plan is to escape this party quickly on the premise that we can't wait to be alone. It isn't entirely a lie; there is no one else I'd rather be alone with at this moment. I have so much to be thankful for.

We have a small reception with dancing and a buffet for the guests. After that we have dessert with just my family. My brother and sisters soon leave because they have to get back to their jobs and lives, which is fine since we kind of sprung this wedding on them three weeks ago.

We knew we wanted to do it, but we were still deciding how big it was going to be, and whether we'd have a church wedding all the way up until then.

We're not going on a honeymoon right now, though when we do, it will be mostly just a much needed vacation. She and I have been so busy working since college, and time off is way overdue.

We both work at the New York Times as editors for different columns. Her desk is just two feet away from mine. You'd think we might get tired of each other, but we don't. I am comforted to have her near me. Her column is like one of those Dear Abby advice columns, and mine is about summarizing current events, and retro pieces about New York's history.

Neither she nor I need to work. I suppose that is one thing that made us so close. Our lives were so alike, as well as our interests. Her family were wealthy, self-made millionaires because her father Charlie created all sorts of inventions, and my family just always came from money.

Though you'd never know it to look at our house, which is nice, but nothing too grand. We have a beautiful Victorian three-story house on the Upper East Side. It was built in the late 1800s and used to be a hotel. We kept the gold room numbers up on each door because we both thought it was cool—because _we_ are very cool.

After saying goodnight to everyone we head back home. My mom is disappointed we wouldn't even accept the expensive hotel suite she wanted to book for us, but we maintained we didn't want a huge deal made of this. We wanted to continue our lives as we were, but committed in marriage. So we were labeled party poopers, which suited us just fine.

I carry her over our threshold, though she slaps my chest, telling me it is a silly tradition. I don't really care, because I would do anything for this woman, and tonight she gets the full meal deal. So to speak.

We both retreat to our separate rooms where we get out of our formal clothes, and back into comfortable sweats and t-shirts. Bare feet is the norm in our house. Don't come to our house unless you are ready to kick back and relax.

We have decided to spend tomorrow moving into my room, which is the bigger of the two rooms we use to sleep in. She said we could just keep our individual rooms, but I quickly let her know that was unacceptable. We would be sleeping together like a normal married couple.

Plus, I didn't want us running around hiding things when family or friends came around. This was a real marriage; there would be absolutely no hiding. It was no one else's business why we did it or what we did in our own home when we were alone, but if people came over we would not be playing charades about it.

I find her in her room snuggled up in bed with a book, probably my favorite sight in the whole of this world. She and I love to read together. She waits for me each night so we can snuggle and devour a good novel. I hold her gently, as she waits for me to finish each page seconds after she has, then she turns the page.

We laugh, we cry, we get excited, and we dream—together.

I can tell she is really nervous tonight just by the fact that she is in this familiar position, as if nothing else will happen tonight but our reading together. Though I am nervous too, we have already discussed this. I won't back out; you couldn't pay me to.

I owe her everything in this world for doing this for me tonight. So I will give her everything I can. We already discussed having children, something we each want very much. She offered to have a sperm donor, or to have my seed implanted into her uterus, but I'd be damned if this child wouldn't be born out of our love. Because regardless of the hard facts, I love this woman.

I walk to her side of the bed and gently slide her over as I scoot in to sit down facing her. She won't look at me, because she thinks there is no way this is going to happen.

"Hi," she says, looking over her book.

"You're getting ahead of me?" I chide, pulling it out of her hands, placing in a bookmark and putting it next to her on her night stand.

"Sorry. You know I will reread it with you. It was just getting good…" She stops talking as I take her hands in mine, kissing them. Her eyes search mine, and I know she wants to cry.

"Don't you dare," I tell her.

"Edward, we don't have to…"

"No. Baby, don't—I want this. Don't you?" Her hands gently hold my head, as she gets up on her knees to hug me. Her body shakes, and my heart is now in my throat. I don't deserve her.

Bella has been saving herself for marriage, so tonight I will be taking her virginity. I am terrified in a way, but I'm also positive I'd rather it be me, than just any loser. I mourn the fact that this won't happen with the man of her dreams.

She stares into my eyes an inch from my face, and I smile at her. Her lips start to quiver, and her eyes fill with tears.

"No. No, baby. No tears, we are going to be happy. I love you, I cherish you, and I want to make love with you. Don't even think that I don't." I kiss her tears away, and I understand that these aren't tears of sadness. They are tears of gratefulness, but also she thinks I am making some enormous sacrifice.

This is where we differ on our views. Loving her is never a sacrifice. We are two _people_ who love each other. There are no other requirements as far as I'm concerned.

As we slowly undress I beg myself to relax. The last thing I need is to be unable to perform. I will not break her heart like that. We lie side by side, facing each other. Her perfect body is lovely, curvaceous, and deserves attention. I kiss her gently, and soon she relaxes. She looks into my eyes, and at the very least she knows, this is my friend, my best friend.

She knows I would never hurt her. As we kiss I touch her breasts, molding them with my fingers. I kiss her nipples, feeling them firm up from my touch. I suck each one gently into my mouth, and her moan makes my heart beat harder.

This would be so hard if it weren't for the fact that I know her inside and out. That she is my soul mate in the truest sense of the word. That I would die for her to make her happy, and she would do the same for me.

"I can't wait to have your baby, Edward," she speaks, as a tear melts down her cheek. I smile, nodding my agreement. Her hand reaches for my soft penis, as she caresses it lightly, tenderly stroking it without glancing down to see it. I know she is scared she won't make me hard, but I know she will. She excites me in ways no one ever has.

With her it doesn't have to be sexual.

As I feel my stomach tighten and my erection takes form, a beautiful smile spreads across her face, and I look down between us, then back up at her. "There he is," I joke, and she giggles shyly.

"Oh, God," she says, covering her face with both hands. I spy a shade of red covering her cheeks beneath her small fingers.

I push her onto her back softly and settle myself over her hugging, her tightly to my body. The feel of being cradled in the center of her warmth makes me harder, her arousal reaching my sense of smell. I breathe in deep, because I never want my body to forget why it is having this reaction. I want to memorize everything about this night.

I am not a virgin, but of course this will be very different. She lies beneath me, warm and still as my hand reaches between us to arouse her. If I can make this painless I will; if it hurts I will be gentle and slow. I want her to enjoy it; I want her to have good memories, happy memories.

I want our baby to form out of love, and this is the person I love. After some time I hear her moaning softly, her hands limply holding my biceps. Soon she is so turned on her thighs hug my hips, and her feet push gently into my bottom.

Our kisses have become so passionate, so deep, I feel like I'm dreaming. I am so happy to feel this lust for her, all my trepidation melts as the animal need in our bodies takes over. I enter her firmly, but slowly. Inch by inch we come together, and I am out of my mind with the need to go faster.

She feels so good, and my heart aches for her to feel how much love I have. I don't ever want her to worry again that this will not be enough for me. Because it is, and I will happily grow old with this woman.

I'm amazed as I watch her face. Her eyes are closed, mouth open, cheeks flushed, and her breathing is shallow but heavy. When we come it is, by some miracle, together. It was quick, but nonetheless satisfying. She opens her eyes as I pull out gently, though she winces through some pain.

If she becomes pregnant tonight I will be the happiest man alive. She will be a perfect mother. I will be the best dad I can be, and I will love my wife until the end of time.

I lie exhausted in her embrace, falling asleep to the sound of her breathing. I give thanks to the heavens for this amazing creature in my arms.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

How Do I Live

By MissRMD

Edited By MarchHare5

**Edward**

_My Future and My Past_

The next morning I wake up to Bella snoring. I mean, we aren't talking a delicate buzz saw. She is full-on bringing down forests with her vibrating. I chuckle softly, because of all the things I know about her, she refuses to believe she does this.

It's adorable, in any case just one more reason to love her. I couldn't be with someone who didn't make me laugh. She always makes me laugh. Usually when she doesn't mean to, but regardless I'll take what I can get.

I decide to let her sleep as I snuggle the covers under her chin. I go take my shower and get dressed in some comfortable deep blue slacks, a black button-down shirt, black socks, and my blue bunny slippers. Bella gave me the slippers last Christmas, and though they are a bit childish, they are so comfortable. I wear them a lot.

I love to cook, so I decide to rouse her by making her favorite breakfast. I ponder taking off the gold band she gave me for our wedding, but the thought of taking it off seems like a bad idea—or bad luck. Either way I keep it on as I make her crepes with blueberries, scrambled eggs, and English breakfast tea.

My mind wanders as I cook. It's a gorgeous day out, and I plan to take her for a long walk once she is properly awake. I see a couple walking down our street hand in hand, and I know I want that with her, the ease of knowing each other, not needing conversation to convey our love.

Most guys my age are griping about "_settling down,_" whatever that even means. Bella and I have wanted this always. We love life, and what we have is our miracle.

I think about some of the men I have dated over the years. There weren't many, as I am pretty picky. Plus, I required discretion, and most men aren't really happy with that. They take it personally, and I guess I can't blame them.

I'm not really sure how my family would have reacted had I brought a boy home. I do know they aren't accepting of homosexuality, but it isn't that they would have disowned me. I don't think.

It isn't a risk I was willing to take, and I always had Bella. So really I didn't worry, because she fulfilled me in so many ways that going without sex most of the time wasn't all that big of a loss.

The guys I dated would be jealous of how close we were, or they would think I was bi-sexual, or that I was just plain strange. Most tended to shy away from the closeness Bella and I shared, as if they knew they could never compete.

It's true, I have never found someone who could compete with the way she makes me feel. Some have told me that I should possibly re-examine my sexual preferences, but honestly I don't need to. I have known I was attracted to boys since I was a little boy myself.

On that same note Bella was the first person I ever told. She never once batted an eye about it either. She was happy for me. She left me in awe with her graciousness about the person I was becoming.

She always encouraged me to tell my parents and friends. She said I deserved a life free to love who I chose, and that leaving my family out of it wasn't fair to them or me—which is true, but the coward in me would not allow me to say those words to them.

I couldn't face my father and tell him I wanted to make love to a boy, or that I wanted to marry one and have children. He was such a quiet, reserved man, and we never talked much about stuff that was personal, and innately I knew this topic would always be uncomfortable.

Marrying her is not a sacrifice in my eyes. I'd given it a go, trying to find the perfect guy, and it just wasn't in the cards. I would not spend the rest of my life feeling sorry for myself when I have her.

I set down her plate for her and cover her crepe with warm blueberries, leaving her cup of tea next to it on a coaster. I place a scoop of steaming scrambled eggs next to her crepe and call out to her, when I notice her standing by the door of the kitchen, smiling.

"Morning, lovely, your breakfast is ready," I tell her, as she walks slowly over to me, pressing her body against mine in a warm hug. She is freshly showered, with her long hair pulled up into a pony tail. She is wearing one of my old Bobby Long t-shirts and a long jean skirt with white socks. Her diamond rings dominate her left hand. _Beautiful_.

"Edward, I wanted to make you breakfast for once."

I gently touch her nose with my finger, teasing her. "You were too busy snoring."

Her mouth opens wide in shock. I roll my eyes, making myself a plate and sitting down next to her. We are hip to hip as usual, as I run my hand over her back lovingly. She holds herself with one hand and grabs a forkful of eggs with her other.

"Are you cold?" I ask, and she nods, but tells me she will be fine. I beg to differ, as I run into the hall closet for a blanket, which I drape over her shoulders.

She looks over at me shyly. "God, you are so perfect, Edward," she gushes with a smile. I tell her to stop that nonsense. I am not perfect, and I will never be. I do, however, try hard to be romantic with her. I always have, because I believe in chivalry, and my being gay won't change that. I'd be the same if she were a man.

Coincidentally, I do consider myself the man in a relationship anyway. Some call it a top. I still have very strong male instincts, which is why our relationship sort of works, I guess. Not that I can't be soft too. She says she loves both sides of me.

"Oh, can we still go pick out a puppy today?" she asks, while sipping her warm tea. I have been promising her for a while now. We thought it would be a great way to break us in as parents before we actually become parents.

"Sure, you want to walk to the pound?" I ask. "It's a beautiful day."

She smiles warmly and agrees it would be fun. I wait for her to use the bathroom and forgo my bunny slippers for some black Adidas shoes and light jackets for both of us.

I take her hand in mine as we walk through the gate of our house. I've thought more than once of putting up a high solid fence, just because I value our privacy. Bella thinks it is unnecessary.

"How are you feeling about all of this?" she asks, squeezing my hand, as we pad down the familiar sidewalks that lead quickly into a small part of town.

"The same as yesterday, the same as I will tomorrow, and forever. I am so happy I could scream," I tell her, smiling down at her. She knows I mean it, but she is so afraid I am going to find that special someone the minute we got married.

I assure her again that, even if I did, it is too late. She is my priority, and I am a very lucky man. There are people all over the world who have no one at all. I don't pretend not to know that things can always be worse. This doesn't even rate in the category of bad at all.

"What about you?" I ask, knowing I have the same worries about her, as she does me.

"Well, you know," she says, looking away. "You were always my idea of my perfect man. I've always loved you, Edward. This for me is what I always wished I could have with you. Somehow I just got lucky enough to have you." She frowns slightly as she looks at some kids playing in the park.

"Oh, Bella. I'm sorry you didn't find anyone, but if you really mean what you say, I am so glad you get to have me too."

She stares up at me, covering her eyes from the sun as she squints. She studies my expression as if she is trying to figure out if I am real.

"You should be sainted," she says, dropping her hand and facing forward, her ponytail bobbing to the rhythm of our steps.

"Shut up," I tell her gently, and she giggles.

Once we reach the pound her eyes widen just like when we were kids and I'd sneak her a special treat. "What kind do you want?" I ask, surveying the kennels.

"A baby—I mean, a puppy. Doesn't really matter what kind, does it?" she asks as she pulls me along the rows of barking furry aliens.

"I think it does matter, plus puppies can be difficult. We won't get any sleep. Maybe we should get an older dog." She curls her mouth into a rather disappointed smirk.

"Yeah, maybe you're right," she agrees.

I lean down to kiss her cheek softly. "Get whatever you want, darling," I say, and hug her to my side.

Soon she spots a Golden Retriever momma feeding her puppies, and I already know. She is in love. They are a beautiful golden color, with big brown eyes and floppy ears. Yes, we are getting a puppy. There isn't much I would deny Bella, and this will be no exception.

We are given a bag full of the basics to get the little guy's life on track, a leash, a small bag of food, his shot records, and a big doggie bed, which I sling over my shoulder with his bag of goodies, while Bella leashes him and walks him outside.

After I finish his adoption paperwork, I walk out to meet her. She is holding the little one in her arms, hugging him and kissing his head, as he whimpers softly, licking her cheek.

I'm lost in watching her smile, and how happy she is rubs off on me quickly, before I notice a gentleman walking up the sidewalk towards her back. As he passes he stares down at her.

"You are one hot piece of ass!" the man says, stopping to stare down at her. Bella looks up from her knelt position to smirk.

"Get the fuck away from me," she says, frowning. She looks up at me, walking over to my side. I grab her into my free arm, holding her tightly. The man looks us over and laughs to himself.

"Oh, I see. You wanna play house with queer boy here. Your loss. You ain't nothing but a pussy to me anyhow. Bitch!" He walks by us quickly, but I am steaming as I put down the puppy's things.

I don't know what it is, but some guys think they can smell a gay guy a mile away.

Seriously, I think it is their insecurities, or the fact that they want to be gay too. I don't usually like to fight, but when he calls the woman I love a pussy and a bitch, he has crossed the wrong person.

"Stay here with the puppy, Bella." She is trying to hold me back, and I hear her whimpers of _no_. She pleads, _It isn't worth it_, but I won't allow this. I am her protector now, and fuck it all if I will allow this shit.

I run behind him, grabbing the back of his shirt and spinning him around to face me.

"_Thank God I work out_," I think as his eyes open wide, and I land a fist into his right eyes. "Fucking bastard!" I shout as he stumbles back, holding onto his face. "Watch who the hell you fuck with. She is my wife!"

"I'm—I'm sorry, lady," he says, as Bella walks quickly to my side.

"It's fine," she says, holding her puppy and dragging his stuff alongside her. I am still seething and waiting for him to make one more false move. My hand is throbbing.

He holds up his hands in defeat.

"Okay, I'm going. Have a fucking nice day." I ought to hit him again for talking that way in front of a lady, but I let him go. As he disappears, I shake out my punching hand, pissed off that it hurts.

"Oh, Edward, I wish you hadn't done that. It was all talk." She grabs my hand with her free one, holding it up to inspect it, and the puppy looks it over as well, then licks the cut over my knuckle.

"Eww," I say, pulling my hand back and wiping it on my slacks.

"Edward, he's just trying to help make it better. See, he loves you already."

I stare down at her in disgust. "Dogs lick their butts," I whine, and she laughs, shaking her head at me.

"So, what is his name going to be?" I ask, as I take the bags and doggy bed from her hands, wrapping an arm around her as we start our journey back home.

"Rocky Balboa," she says, as she stares the little dog in the face and makes a low growl at him. The puppy licks her nose.

"Rocky Balboa?" I ask, staring at her like she is insane, because she is if she thinks I am calling out that name to get our dog to come to us.

"Yeah," she says in a tough New York accent. "Rocky for short," she laughs, and I can't help but love her for it. "Come on, slugger, let's get you home. That hand is swelling up quick. You need some ice."

"Yes, dear," I answer in a mock husband tone, so glad I have her to take care of me, and that she in turn has me.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

How Do I Live

By MissRMD

Edited By MarchHare5

**Edward**

_Communication _

Bella is mad at me. We have been married six months, and I suggested last night we both watch gay porn together. What she doesn't know is I have been using gay magazines to help get me in the mood to make love to her, when I got the idea that she might want to look too.

Now she thinks I am not satisfied by only her. She is wrong; she does turn me on. It's just different because with her it takes more to get me _there. _It has nothing to do with her not being sexy or alluring. It is just the way it is, and I know she understands that, but I have only managed to make her feel threatened.

She left the house before me this morning and slept in her old room last night. I don't like this at all. We always settle things when we are mad; we never go to sleep angry with each other. I walk into the Times with two coffees in my hands, ready to make amends. She is already at her desk, typing away.

I set her coffee in front of her and pull a banana muffin from my pocket. I kneel next to her desk, waiting for her to look at me. She has stopped typing, but is looking down at her lap now.

I don't expect it, but she speaks first. "I'm so sorry, Edward. I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm just so stressed we aren't pregnant yet."

_Really? _I guess I should have known. She has been very teary of late. Sex has been hard on both of us, I guess.

We definitely don't have it every night, but at least three times a week. I enjoy the closeness with her, if nothing else. It is our bonding time, but lately it's been forced, and now I understand why.

"Oh, Bella, I'm sorry too. I wish we had talked last night. I didn't sleep very well without you. Did you?" She shakes her head no.

I take her in my arms, holding her tight. I place several kisses against her ear and jaw line. Applauds from around the office alert us that we are no longer alone, and I stick my tongue out at them before kissing her softly on the lips. Her hand caresses the side of my face as she smiles. "Go work," she tells me, and I know somehow we will be okay.

I go to my desk just across the small walkway and boot up my computer as I sip my coffee. We sneak sly glances at each other the whole day. As usual I try to make her laugh by throwing small bits of paper at her while she works.

Despite our small problems, I wouldn't change what we have. After lunch I pull up my instant messenger program so I can talk to her while I research.

**Your Man: **Was Sammy okay at lunch?

We ended up settling for Sammy because Rocky would not come by that name. Stubborn dog.

**Lady Isabella: **Yeah. He didn't even pee on the floor this time. :P

**Your Man**: Now _that _is a good thing. Can I take you out tonight to a movie?

**Lady Isabella**: If you really want to.

I turn to give her a stern look after sighing loudly to get her attention.

**Lady Isabella: **Sorry, okay, I'd love to go out with you, sweetheart.

**Your Man**: Baby? Do you think we should see a specialist about getting pregnant?

**Lady Isabella**: I don't know. What do you think?

**Your Man: **I don't know. Maybe there is something wrong with my sperm. Can't hurt to check it out. BRB I have to go to the copier.

**Lady Isabella: **I doubt there is something wrong with your sperm. You are perfect, Edward. I'm sure it must be me. Either way I think it is better to know now, rather than later, if we can't have kids. I so want a little boy who looks just like his daddy.

**Your Man**: Reading your last message.

**Your Man**: Rolling my eyes at your "perfect" comment, and smiling that you want a boy like me. I think I love you even more.

I hear her giggle at her desk.

We wait in a warm waiting area to see a fertility specialist. Bella is nervous, and so am I. We both had different tests done throughout the week, and today they will tell us if we can conceive.

When we are called in we hold hands tightly. This is like going before the firing squad. I am sure it is something wrong with me, but Bella totally thinks it is her. Stupidly we are playing a silent game of blame.

We sit down in front of a large oak desk as a tall, dark-haired man enters the office, smiling. He sits behind his desk, shaking our hands and introducing himself as Doctor McCarty. He says to call him Emmett; he prefers not to be so formal. We smile and agree.

Emmett tells us that we indeed can get pregnant, and wants to know if either of us have been very stressed about it. He tells us that we must relax when we make love, and nothing should be forced, that if we just go with the flow and not worry about it, we should be pregnant in no time.

This is good news, though it is a bit frustrating. We often are frustrated when we have sex, especially lately. It is then that I know it is my fault. I beat myself up for it in my head. I love this woman; there is no reason I should be making her or myself so tense.

I'm throwing the magazines and tapes away. They are surely what is making this harder than it needs to be. My thoughts must be of her and making her feel happy and loved.

"It sometimes helps if you use some kind of stimulation. Magazines, adult movies just kind of get you more in the mood, get those hormones humming through your body. Just relax and love each other. Things will happen in good time," he says, and I am perplexed.

"What if…" I look over at Bella, raising my eyebrows slightly as I speak. I don't know if she will be angry for my question, but I think we have to be honest. "What if someone's partner is gay, would that cause a problem?" Okay, did that even sound remotely like a sane question?

Before I can ponder it Emmett looks at me smiling slightly. He winks, and I'm not sure if Bella has noticed. She is busy watching her hands squirm in her lap, before she looks up, noticing Emmett is smiling at me.

"No. That shouldn't make it a problem. Is this person having trouble getting off with his partner?" Okay, great, he is playing along as if I am talking about someone else, when I am sure it is obvious I am talking about me, about us.

I look over at Bella, taking her tense hand in mine, and I smile, watching her visibly relax. She smiles at me shyly. "No. My wife makes me very happy in bed." She still looks uncomfortable, and I am not so sure I'm not in trouble when we get home.

Emmett looks back and forth between Bella and me. I'm pretty sure he is confused, but in reality it isn't his business, and I probably have said too much. We are fine, it is confirmed, and now I want to go home. I suddenly want Bella so much it is making me edgy.

My hand runs up and down her thigh in the car as I pray she isn't angry, though I'm not sure what she might be angry for. She is silent, but Bella has always been pretty quiet unless we are home alone together. Even then she is pretty quiet.

"This is exciting," I tell her, and she smiles back at me, placing her hand on my roaming one. She lifts my hand, kissing it.

"I hope you don't have other plans, because I can't wait to make love to you," I say as we walk from our garage to the house. She shakes her head, smiling.

"No. No plans," she tells me, and once we are inside we both start unbuttoning our shirts on the way up the stairs. I say a small prayer to the heavens that this will work, and then chide myself for worrying about it. _Natural, natural—be natural._

I run to our room, throwing off my clothes, as she goes quickly to let Sammy out of his crate. He goes tromping off downstairs for his food as I go use the bathroom. I think about looking quickly at my magazines under the sink, but then realize I'm already pretty hard. This makes me smile.

When I make it back into our room I'm slightly disappointed. Bella is already naked, on all fours waiting for me. I had been requesting this position a lot in the last few months, because it helped me believe I was making love to a guy, and I kept my erection longer, even though even in this position, she could never look like a man.

It always makes me feel really bad, because it isn't fair to her. Sex with her is nice and fun. It is a release we both need, but after the fighting and all the stress, today it seems really wrong. I can't do this to her; I can't even believe I allowed it to get this way.

"Baby, turn over."

She looks behind herself at me. She has concern written in her features as she turns to sit in the middle of our bed.

"You don't want to now?" she asks, with a look of pain on her face.

"No. I do, very much," I tell her, motioning to my hard cock with my eyes.

"Oh," she says, swallowing thickly. She stares at my penis, then back up to me. "Have I ever told you your body is beautiful?" she asks, surprising me.

She hasn't ever said that that I can recall, but it makes me smile. I tell her she is beautiful all the time, but somehow I'm sure she doesn't believe I mean it. "You," I say, grabbing her chin, "are so beautiful!" Her smile lights up my whole world.

I settle between her legs, pushing her gently back against the pillows. I'm about to do something I have never done. I want her relaxed, and I want her aroused. I want her to feel my love in every motion this time. I want our unborn child to feel this love.

As I kiss her, I slowly move down until I am staring at her over her pubic bone. Her eyes are wide, and she shakes her head as my lips touch her, _there_. She sits up quickly, pulling up my head with her tiny hands.

"No, don't. You don't have to." I knew it would come to this, but I nudge her gently back down. I close my eyes and lick slowly from her clit down to her wet folds. I expect it to taste bad, I don't know why, it's rather mild, and somewhat arousing. Different, for sure.

Her legs close against my head as I take a swipe back up with my tongue. Her moans are now muffled with my ears against her thighs, but I am still turned on by her soft sounds. After getting her properly worked up I insert my middle finger and curl it up against the top of her walls, hoping my research into female anatomy pays off.

Soon she is convulsing around my finger, and juices slide out of her, down my finger and over my wrist. It's incredibly messy, and it makes me smile as I pull out. Her face is relaxed and heated. She smiles at me, shaking her head.

I make love to her hard and fast, her breathing accelerating with my own. It feels amazing, and just before I come inside her, I close my eyes and see a pair of soft blue eyes and a warm manly smile. I'm mortified as I open my eyes to look at her, but she of course is unaware.

Still I feel guilty for once again using a man's face to reach the pinnacle with her. I lie beside her, holding her, kissing her cheek, and praying that we will have conceived tonight.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

How Do I Live

By MissRMD

Edited by MarchHare5

**Edward**

_Pregnant _

We got the good news two months before our first wedding anniversary. Bella is beside herself, but I am even worse. I just want her to lie in bed all day, quit work, and let me care for her. She thinks I am insane and being over bearing.

I kiss her belly every morning and talk to our daughter like she is already here. They said it is a girl at her two-month appointment, but when they say it is a girl, it is like a fifty-fifty chance it can go either way. Bella really wants a boy, but I don't care. I just can't wait for her to get here.

I can just imagine holding the little body in my arms. I hope she mostly looks like my Bella, though Bella wants her to look just like me. Knowing she is carrying my baby has changed something in both of us. I don't even look at Bella the same anymore. My love for her has tripled.

Her pregnant body makes me ravenous to make love to her. She has never looked more enticing. Luckily Bella's desire to make love has also tripled, and it is lucky for me.

This morning as we wake up, Bella is now at nine months pregnant, and she is about as horny as I have ever seen her. She straddles my morning wood, and takes it inside her body before I can even get awake enough to stop her. It isn't that I don't want this, but I worry about her water breaking, or hurting her in some way when she is so close now.

Dr. McCarty promises to be at the hospital to make sure the birth goes smoothly, and he doesn't foresee any difficulties. I stare up at her, gripping her hips gently as she rocks on top of me. Her belly is huge in comparison to her small body, and I worry because I am so tall this will be a hard delivery for her. They predict the baby is around nine pounds at this point. I play with her most sensitive right nipple while touching her clit below her burgeoning belly. The sight of her so turned on makes me smile as I concentrate on the sensation of her body around my penis.

I still wouldn't change a thing about our commitment to each other. She is my other half, and I know in time it will only get better, especially now that we have a physical manifestation of our love.

She apologizes to me often because she believes she is getting more out of our relationship than I am, but I hope in reality she knows that isn't true. As I gaze at her lovingly serene face, I notice her tense up. What I think at the time is her coming, changes, as water surrounds my pelvis. She moves off of me, and I soon realize she is in pain.

"Bella! Shit, are you okay, baby?" I sit up, trying to understand what is taking place. She gets to her knees, holding her belly, and her face is tense with agony. Crap. I grab the phone, quickly calling an ambulance.

I ride with her to the hospital, and the pain never seems to give her a break. The EMTs assure me she is simply going into labor, and it seems this may be an unusually fast delivery for her first time. I am happy the baby is coming, but I ache inside to see her in so much pain. She doesn't deserve this.

I whisper softly in her ear once she is settled in a room. They tell us the labor is indeed moving too fast to even think about giving her any pain relief, so I hold her hand, trying to soothe her while they get a birthing room ready.

"She's coming. Our baby is on the way," I tell her as she squeezes my hand tightly and tries to smile. "So, are we settled on Emily for a name then?" I ask to distract her, though I fear I am only irritating her further. She nods despite the pain.

"Edward for a boy," she finally gets it out. We had been debating on what to call it if it's a boy, and I told her there was no reason to give him such an old-fashioned name like mine. She, however, wouldn't back down on that. "_I like your name_," she had said. "_It's dignified and special_." Of course I would give her anything, so if it happens to be a boy he is stuck being Edward Anthony Cullen Junior.

She has only been lying here for half an hour, but she now has tears in her eyes. A nurse checks her cervix, but it has only moved three centimeters. The doctor is already worried that the baby is going to be too big to pass through her hips. They are discussing our options with me, while Bella moans and groans in agony. She is getting really scared, and so am I, though I try not to show it.

Twenty minutes later it is decided as Bella screams louder. I nod my approval reluctantly as the doctor explains to me that an emergency cesarean is needed within the next hour. The baby is showing signs of stress, and it isn't helping that we can't make Bella relax. She is in too much pain to even answer questions or agree or disagree about them cutting open her body to take the baby.

"Edward. Oh, Edward, it hurts so much. I am so scared. Please, make it stop," she moans, and her eyes look right through me as she grits through the pain. I suddenly feel terrible that I have done this to her. I keep praying, and I am told that my family is here waiting for us. The doctor has given them the information on our situation.

Her family is on their way from Washington, but it will be a while before they can get on a flight. Dr. McCarty is here now as well. He had promised Bella and me to be here to witness our miracle. We wanted him here, and he is now in a corner with Bella's doctor, discussing her situation. His eyes dart to Bella and me nervously.

I am told I can still go in with her when they open her, and I wouldn't have it any other way. There is no way I will let her go in there alone. This is our baby, and we will experience this together, good or bad. She is too exhausted to talk to me, and I only hope she is listening as I hold her hand and stroke her belly gently.

The heart monitor attached to her is beeping out her frantic heart beat, and the staff is around us like aliens covered in green head to toe. I have the same get-up on, and I am irritated as I try to kiss her cheek through the mask on my face. Her face is red and sweaty.

"Baby, you're doing so great. You are so brave. I owe you my life for everything you have done for us. I can't explain how much I love you, but I will show you for eternity. I love you, baby. I love you, my Bella," I whisper to her, but she remains lethargic and uninterested. I just hope I am getting through her painful haze.

I lay my head gently against her cheek, resting too, while they prep her body below. They have put up a small curtain in front of her face so we don't have to watch her being cut into. I think she must be pretty numb now because she no longer winces much to the pain. The doctors are busy mumbling words I don't even comprehend.

"Is he here?" she asks softly into my ear, and I turn to look at her, a tear sliding down my face.

"Not yet, baby. Soon," I tell her, stroking her soft cheek. She gives me a small smile, and I am elated to see it. I stare deeply into her brown eyes, and I try to think of when this is over and we are home together with our baby.

"We are going to have so much fun with our baby, Bella. We will be the best parents." She smiles tiredly and tells me she feels pulling against her abdomen. I peek around the curtain, and my heart stops as I see an arm, then a leg being pulled around her taut round belly.

"Oh," I sigh. "I think she's almost here, Bella." Her smile becomes huge, when I hear someone talk about Bella's blood pressure rising. Her face contorts in pain, and a tear slides once again down her cheek.

"Don't leave me," she says with slurred words.

"No. I never will," I tell her. I notice people shouting and moving around us, but I stay focused on my beautiful girl. I wait to hear a crying baby, but I don't, just mumbled talking.

Bella stares at me, and suddenly the pain leaves her face. Her skin glistens, and I hear a monitor let out a long constant sound which confuses me. It doesn't sound like her heart beats anymore. Her eyes close, and a breath pushes forcefully through her mouth against my face. I look up as doctors shout. "Get him out of here and start CPR!"

"Mr. Cullen, you're going to have to go. There is a complication. We will call you as soon as everything is settled," a nurse tells me as she grabs my shoulders firmly.

"No! No, where is our baby?" I shout in a panic, and they inform me our son is fine, but that my wife needs help, that she is going into cardiac arrest.

I look back at Bella, and she isn't moving, but she looks like she is just sleeping. I walk to the waiting room in a daze. My family is standing there with looks of horror on their faces when they see me. I am still dressed in my green scrubs, and as my father locks eyes with me I collapse.

The next time I open my eyes I realize I am in a hospital bed. There is an IV hooked to my arm, and my father is next to me, sniffling. "Dad?" I whisper, and my voice seems hoarse.

He stares up at me with red eyes, and I realize my mother is there too. She is literally motionless in his arms. My mother stands and collapses onto my abdomen as she cries. My father pats her back while her tears soak my thin hospital gown. "What? What has happened?" I ask, looking around the room for Bella or the baby. _Our son._


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

How Do I Live

By MissRMD

Edited By MarchHare5

**Edward**

_Goodbye, My Love _

My mother fusses with my tie yet again as I sit before the casket in the church still catatonic. I quit my job so I can take care of little Edward, and I can barely do that because my life seems so meaningless without my best friend, my angel, my wife.

She died on the table while they tried to resuscitate her, and when she went, my heart flew away with her. Five days she has been gone, and I am absolutely useless without her.

"Edward, honey. You have to snap out of this. I know it hurts. I know it will never be the same. The baby needs you, son," my mother tells me as she wipes lint from my collar and places my bundled up sleeping son in my arms.

Bella's family is so distraught they didn't even stay for the funeral. Her mother ended up hospitalized for a few days, and Charlie took her home reluctantly. They will be back in a month to see the baby and come to visit her grave.

Tears drip from my chin as this stranger at the front of the church talks about Bella like he knows her, talking about God's way and there being a reason for everything. Little Edward is quiet, sleeping in my arms, generating his intense warmth into my body. I smile as I watch his lips wiggle a little. He pouts, and I pout too, as more wetness falls from my eyes, bouncing onto his tiny cheek, making it look like he is crying too.

As the service ends we all walk by her casket for a last viewing, but I have a hard time looking at her. I saw her earlier, and whoever put all the make-up on her did a horrible job. She doesn't look the same, and I don't want our son to see this, though of course he doesn't have a clue what is going on. _Or does he?_

I pull gently on the little beanie hat on his head and smile at the dark curls of his mother's hair there. He has my blue-green eyes already, and I am deeply in love with this child. I just wish my joy would win out over the sadness that his mother will never know him, that he will never get to experience her warmth and unselfish love.

Sometimes I imagine that I am being punished for making her be with me. She deserved so much more; she deserved a man who desired her constantly and craved her body.

Not that I didn't, but I know it isn't the same.

I had refused to go to the funeral myself. I didn't want to be in a church that would never accept me for what I am. Add in the fact that they have no clue who my Bella was, well, it just seemed to be so ridiculous. I sat through it though, for my Bella. For the love of my entire life.

If it weren't for our baby I wouldn't even get up in the morning. People come in and out of the house, but I can't bear to acknowledge them much. My son is my constant. I hold him gently this morning on the tenth day of his mother being gone, and I stare at a photo that Bella and I took days before she gave birth.

I am standing behind her with my arms around her shoulders. I look so happy, and so does she. She is swollen with our baby, and we had this picture blown up huge to put downstairs on the stairway. Now it sits against the wall at the foot of our bed.

Little Edward is such a good baby, not that I can compare him to anyone. Sammy sits by his bassinet, guarding him like his life depends on it, barely letting family get near to hold the baby. At times I worry because Edward hardly ever cries or makes noises. I wouldn't know he was hungry if I relied on him to let me know.

It's almost as if he knows his daddy is in mourning, and he doesn't want to disturb me. Against doctors orders I start sleeping with him in my arms, because I need to feel him, smell him, listen to his breathing. He is all I have left of her in this world. I haven't even changed the sheets on our bed because her smell helps me sleep better. It feels like she is there.

I realize that every time I told her I loved her, I felt just a tiny bit like I was faking it, just a little bit like a fraud, because of course I loved her, but not like a man loves a woman.

I see that I was very wrong though, that I was only fooling myself. Because I do love her, with everything I am. I'd give anything to hear her laugh again. To hear her snore, to talk to her, to hold her, and yes, to make love with her.

She was always so gentle, soft, and loving. I will never ever love like that again. I know now I have not one regret for loving Bella.

Two days before Bella's parents are to arrive to see Edward I am giving little Edward a bath. I hate to admit I have pretty much shut everyone out, and I am not looking forward to Charlie's visit. His wife is still not doing well, so she won't be coming this time.

I love our families, but this was about me and her. Little Edward reminds me more of her every day, and he is kicking his little feet in the big bathtub as I hold his head to wash his hair. He's quite a big boy, weighing in at ten pounds eight ounces, and now he is up to twelve pounds today.

His chubby chin is my favorite place to kiss and tickle him. His eyes are huge and change colors every day it seems, sometimes a darker green or a lighter blue, a darker blue with flecks of her brown. Just a rainbow of color. He is still so quiet and hardly ever cries. I am thankful to the heavens for this, because I'd probably bawl my eyes out right along with him.

"Edward?" I hear a voice behind me, and I startle as I turn towards it. It's Emmett; he has been hanging around a lot, trying to help me. I welcome his presence because he doesn't push me to _get happy. "_You want me to finish with him?" he asks, and I shake my head, turning back to the baby. He is sleeping with his wet head in my large hand, content in the inch or so of water that surrounds him.

Yesterday we were having lunch when he informed me he was gay, and that he knew I was too. I didn't know what he expected me to say to that, but he backed off the subject quickly when I didn't speak. He went on to say that Bella had confirmed it for him. He said she had told him that he was perfect for me.

He laughed, but I just frowned, knowing she was trying to find me someone else, though she needed me so much, and I needed her. "I love her," I told him, and he apologized, saying that he knew that, that he actually envied what we had.

When Charlie arrives a few days later he comes with a bunch of Bella's old baby things, like a little white soft bristled brush with a blue elephant design on it, and a small gold band that won't fit on my son's hand because he is so chubby, though it makes me smile when we try to put it on him.

There are also a christening gown I am sure we'll never use and baby pictures of Bella. My son is truly her spitting image. I love knowing that. I leave little Edward downstairs with Charlie for a while, when I take a moment to put Bella's things away upstairs. When I come back down he is hugging Edward tightly, rubbing his tiny back and sobbing into his little neck.

Even little Edward is picking up now on the sadness permeating the atmosphere, and he sniffles, whining softly into Charlie's shoulder. I run back upstairs and fall onto our bed, crying like it is today that she died, all the pain rushing back tenfold, my heart literally breaking my chest. I cry and cry. I just can't stop.

I don't know how long I stay like that, until I feel a shift on the bed, a hand to my back. "Edward?" It is Emmett's voice, and I plead with him to leave me alone.

"Charlie left. I was just bringing up the baby. Are you…okay?" _Am I okay?_ Hell no, I am not okay. I will never be okay with this. I sit up, despite not wanting to move, watching as Emmett carefully places a sleeping Edward in his crib. My face is swollen from crying. Emmett looks as if he is about to lose it too, and I realize what a wonderful friend he is.

I've hardly spoken to him the whole month he's been here, walking around this house like a ghost, doing all the things I've neglected. I wonder if he is risking losing his job at all. "You should go to work," I tell him.

He shakes his head as he rubs little Edward's back, lulling my son to sleep with his large warm hands. "I can't think when I'm there. I like helping you," he says. I am certain that is a lie.

This house is about as depressing as it can get. Even my poor son is feeling it, and I have to find a way to change that. I know it, but it is so hard. "Have you thought about maybe getting some meds to help you for a while, Edward? Just to get you back on an even keel?" I shake my head because I really haven't thought about it.

Would walking away from the pain make it look like I no longer care that my beautiful Bella, my whole world, is gone? It feels so wrong to think of not being in this pain when she had endured so much pain to bring our son into the world—for me, a man who isn't man enough to face who he really is inside to my family.

"Do you think he'll be gay?" Emmett asks, and I look at him in confusion. What kind of question is that? How would I know, and what does it matter anyway?

I feel anger boil under my skin, but most of all more pain. Would he have to be like me, afraid and different? If so, would he find someone like Bella, and do like I did? If he does find his Bella I will be sure to tell him how lucky and precious it is. _Don't let that go, son._ Most importantly, no matter how he turns out, _don't wish for more than what you have. Cherish everything that is given to you._

"I'm sorry, that was stupid. I just…it was hard for me growing up." I nod, understanding where he is coming from. I sleep most of the afternoon, as Emmett sits in a chair by my bed near my son's crib. He promised to stay and look after him so I could rest. I become restless with dreams about the day she died, and I start to cry violently, when I feel his arms come around me.

He lies beside me, holding me tightly and caressing my back as I somehow cling to his large body. I feel his lips touch my cheek as my tears fall in droves again, the pain wracking my body and soul.

"Shhh, Edward. Shh, you'll wake the baby," he says as we sit up together, his arms still holding my biceps in his large hands. I stare up at him, his face covered with tears.

Little Edward starts to whimper, so Emmett grabs him and brings him in between us on the bed. I don't have time to process what is happening between us. I just know that he comforts me in a way that no one has been able to. My body stops shaking and my heart eases the tiniest bit as he grabs my hand between us, over the baby.

"It's gonna be okay, Edward. I promise, I won't leave you," Emmett says tenderly before kissing little Edward on his cheek. "If you want me here, I will be here." I do want him here, but I am certain my pain is never going to be far away.

"I love you, Bella," I whisper as I kiss my sleeping son. "Thank you for our son!"


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

How Do I Live

By MissRMD

Edited By MarchHare5

**Edward**

Two Months Old

Emmett and I argued this morning. He has been trying so hard to connect with me, but I still only want to play with my son. It isn't at all that I don't like him, but betraying _her_, that feels too wrong. To say that my situation is unique is probably an understatement.

He actually looked at me over the breakfast table, and boldly said, "Do you think maybe you aren't gay anymore?"

I was holding up my son, ready to blow a raspberry against his burgeoning tummy, and he was smiling at me with anticipation. I stopped short after Emmett's words, placing him back in my lap. Little Edward looked up at me in wonder.

"Are you kidding me with this?" I said through clenched teeth.

"What? It's just a question."

"Maybe I'm just not interested in you. You ever think that?" I asked, scooping up a bite of banana mush for my baby boy.

His silence was deafening as he stared away out the kitchen window. "Oh, okay."

"I'm sorry," I said, as he got up to head to work.

"I know," he told me, placing a sweet kiss against my son's cheek, causing the baby to smile. He was full of smiles these days, much to my delight.

Before I could say any more I heard the front door close. I hated that I was this way to him. He didn't deserve this; he had been entirely selfless the last two months, to the point it was affecting his job, though he never seemed to care.

It was clear he wanted us to be together, but it had been so long. Bella was still deeply under my skin. She was more than just my wife; she was my lifetime best friend. I knew she'd want me to move on, but it didn't make it any easier.

I noticed little Edward staring at me as he mashed the food between his gums, most of it running down his chin. I grabbed a towel, wiping it away.

"You like Emmett, don't you, silly boy? Because he spoils you rotten." A huge grin lifted his large cheeks, making him appear to be squinting, a pang of pain hitting me as I recognized his mother's smile.

That night when Emmett comes home from work I have just put Edward down to sleep. I have dinner in the oven and know it is time we have a serious talk.

"Mmm, smells good in here," he says, walking into the kitchen where I am stirring gravy in a pan over the stove top.

"Hey, how was work?" I ask, hoping he can see I'm not still annoyed.

"Good. Look, Edward, if you want me to move out, just say it. I enjoy taking care of you two, and I know sometimes I don't think before I speak, but I really care."

I shake my head. "No, you're fine. It's me. I'm just still hurting a lot. Sit down and let's eat," I tell him, and he complies. I pour the gravy into a bowl, setting it down next to his full plate of food. I really enjoy cooking for someone, though my appetite has yet to return.

"Emmett, what is it you expect out of me? I mean, I understand you care, and it means a lot, but I'm not sure I'm ready for anything intimate."

He looks over at me with his intense blue eyes as he licks his lips. "I'm just lonely. I don't mean to take advantage. I like you though, I just… We can go at your pace. Whatever you want, I'll be that. I love that little boy. Please, whatever you decide, I want to be a part of his life somehow." I nod, knowing I'll never prevent him from seeing the baby.

"When was your last relationship?" I ask, trying a bit of mashed potatoes though the taste doesn't appeal to me.

"Haven't had one," he says, swallowing hard. He puts down his fork and places his hands in his lap.

"Why?"

"Just haven't found anyone, plus my family doesn't approve. So I've spent a lot of time getting my education, too many one-night stands to count. Just dabbling, nothing serious—yet."

"Oh," I mouth, not wanting to think about all the one-night stands.

At least we can identify with being afraid to be who we are.

"I'm so sorry about what I said this morning. I can be such a douche, but really I just say what I think too much. I just wondered if, after all you've been through, it could maybe change you. I guess that's dumb."

I shake my head, visions of Bella and me making love passing through my mind.

"No. It isn't dumb. At the end I thought of that myself. I don't think you can change though. I just had a different experience. Of course it shapes the person I am now. Bella was an amazing person, and I loved her my whole life. I would have done anything for her. At first it was uncomfortable—well, it always felt wrong, but because I cared so much for her, it became…nice, I guess. Just to bond and be close. We wanted the same things. At the end of the day we are just people, you know?"

"Definitely," he says, nodding. "You were really lucky to have her."

"I know, and I won't find anyone like her, of that I'm sure. Do you want dessert?"

"No, thanks," he says. "I'm kind of getting fat off your cooking," he tells me, winking, then smiling. He has a gorgeous smile.

After cleaning up from dinner, I watch some television for a half-hour before wandering upstairs to see what the boys might be up to. I can hear Emmett singing to the baby and I'm not surprised to see him sitting on the floor next to the tub, while Edward lies there, splashing about with a sponge under his head.

Emmett is tickling his tummy, while the baby giggles and gives a toothless, wide grin.

"Em, I'm going to bed. I'm exhausted. Will you…" He nods before I can finish.

"Absolutely, I will make sure this one is in his crib shortly. Go ahead."

"Thank you so much," I tell him, then lean down to kiss the top of his head, his dark curls tickling my nose. Then I lean over the tub to give my son a sloppy kiss on his forehead, to which he gives me his beautiful giggle. I am so happy he is happy.

I take a long shower in my bathroom before settling into my bed. My son is now sleeping in a crib in the room across from mine at night, so I leave the door open so I can hear him. I turn on my bedside lamp and open a photo album of Bella and me.

This has become my nightly ritual. I find my favorite headshot of her, and I smile at her, then talk to her about our day, though I am fairly certain she is somehow there around us, watching.

I still feel enormously guilty for what I perceive as my taking away the life she should have had, but I am finally able to admit to her that I wouldn't have changed anything. I loved her so much, and I always will.

I must have dozed with the book in my hand sometime later, when I feel it being pulled away, the lights going out, and someone tucking the covers under my chin after pulling my body down from the headboard. I open my eyes, knowing it is Emmett.

"The baby okay?" I ask softly into the dark.

"Of course, sleeping with his favorite stuffed bear." I smile. I can't imagine my life without my little guy.

"Goodnight, Edward," he whispers from the doorway.

"Em?" I ask, watching his form in the doorway.

"Yeah," he says, taking a deep breath.

"Will…will you lie here with me?" He huffs out a breath slowly.

"Are you sure?" he asks tentatively.

"Yeah, I don't want to be alone in this room."

Before I can speak again the bed dips as he gets under the covers next to me. I feel his lips lightly against my cheek, and then he grabs my body, molding his against my back. I want to laugh once again at his boldness, but it is too nice being cocooned in his embrace.

"Thanks," I say, as we drift off to sleep.

The next morning I wake up sweating. Emmett is glued to me, still bear hugging me as I listen to Edward awaken next door. His tiny cries are music to my ears.

"Em, I need to get the baby?" His eyes open as he looks at me, an expression that seems afraid that he is not welcome. That last night sleeping in the same bed, may cross my mind as being a mistake.

I smile softly at him, and he lets me go reluctantly. I almost don't want to admit how well I slept. I notice the picture at the end of the bed near the opposing wall. The one of Bella, and I, and a pang of guilt overcomes me. I feel tears, but move on to get my son.

As I enter the room he immediately stops crying, and stares at me wide eyed. He has his teddy bear's ear tightly in his little grip. I tickle his belly and lift him for a hug.

"Morning my sunshine," I say grabbing his fleshy legs to hold him steady, while I arrange his blankets. "Are we making your bed buddy?" He stares down as I speak to him, and when I finally turn to take him downstairs to eat, we are met with Emmett smiling from the doorway.

"Edward?"

"Yeah," I say feeling a bit embarrassed and not knowing why.

"I love you…I'm in love with you," he tells me, and I feel my heart stop in my chest, before resuming it's pitter patter.

"Okay. Let's get the baby downstairs for his breakfast."

I feel him follow me down, and I can't think of a thing to say. No reply that is fair, and right in this situation. How can I even entertain it, when my child's mother's scent is barely gone from the sheets.

Panicking, I tell Em to feed Edward, and grab my keys, heading for the door. For air, for freedom.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

How Do I Live

By MissRMD

Edited By MarchHare5

**Edward**

A New Start

I stare sullenly down at the ground near Bella's stone marker. For some reason it pains me to see that the ground is already settled and new grass is growing, as if we never lowered her to the earth here. I can't stand the thought of her body down there in the damp and coldness. She deserves so much better.

It hurts more to realize I haven't been here to visit her yet, mostly because I don't believe she exists here. Who would who had a choice? Hang around a place where bodies are rotting and dead flowers are on the same course? Regardless, this is where I find myself today.

Overcome with emotion I kneel to the wet grass, holding a rose which I begrudgingly bought on the way here. Not because I don't want her to have it, but—you know. The stench of different dying flowers wafts past my noise, and I become slightly nauseous.

I start to cry, though I don't want to, and I don't know what to say as the word "fuck" leaves my lips.

"I'm sorry, darling," I tell her, as I try to calm myself. Emmett thinks this is as easy as letting go and giving in to my real self. Which tells me just how much he doesn't know me, or us. Maybe other men would do that; maybe they'd say, "Thanks, friend, for being there, but now that you're gone I'm going to really live my life." No. It isn't like that.

I was living my life, with her. From the day I was born, I was meant to be her friend. Isn't that more important? The truth is that I am so scared, and I actually miss being intimate with her. The way she held me like I was the most important thing in her world.

I smile as I remember her always trying to make it "easier" for me. It wasn't fair, her wanting me and my wanting something else. I didn't do it just to please her though. I didn't; there was a bit of a selfishness by this time in our lives. I didn't want anyone else dominating her time.

I may have thwarted a few well meaning men who'd come to call on her. I always felt bad, but was glad that she consoled herself in my arms. I wanted it all, and I wanted her for myself. What kind of a man does that?

"Fuck, Bella! I would have had ten children with you. Why did you have to go?"

I had a good friend once who tried to tell me I was using Bella so I never had to be truthful with anyone. I was so mad I hit him, and then I left him. I completely shut him out of my life. Bella was furious with me. She had said, "I can't be your everything!" She looked helpless, because even though she hadn't said it yet, I knew. She loved me. She wanted me, and yet like an angel, she willed me to let go.

To grab a little of something else. A little happiness.

"_You know the longer you wait, the more awkward it's going to feel," she had said a year before our proposal of marriage._

I didn't even have a reply. I just didn't want to be with some guy who would ever dismiss what she meant to me, because it was real. It was real.

I wipe my eyes with a handkerchief, finally deciding to talk to her.

"I'm a huge coward. You know me best, but what you assumed was me suffering through this with you. Please, honey, please know that it wasn't like that. I always wanted you as you. I never wanted to change you."

I hear footsteps behind me and lower my voice, trying to stop my tirade as I stand. I am surprised to find my father here, looking at me with deep pain.

"Son? You okay?" he asks softly. I take a deep breath, nodding.

"Why are you here?" I ask.

"We miss her too, son."

"Oh."

"I actually came to your house with your mother to see the baby. I didn't know Dr. McCarty was staying with you."

My hand comes up to press against my mouth. I nod mutely.

"Son, I feel like we've missed so much of your life. I don't want to lose you and find out we were merely strangers. Please, open up to me."

"I'm sorry I've failed you…"

His eyes narrow as he shakes his head.

"You've never failed us, son. Never. We are so proud of the man you are. I just feel like at some point you cut us out."

Nodding, I add, "I guess I did."

"Well, maybe we can talk soon. I didn't mean to interrupt." He turns to walk back down the hill when my tearful voice stops him.

"Dad?"

"Yes, Edward?"

I raise my hands uselessly, willing him to understand.

"I loved her so much!"

He immediately moves forward, embracing me tightly. He says, "I know," patting my head gently.

"But I failed her," I tell him softly.

"I'm sure you didn't. She adored you, Edward."

"Dad, I did. I promise you I did."

He stares at me helplessly, then nods slightly.

"I guess you'd know best about that."

"Dad, I'm just gonna say this once, and of course you have the right to feel however you want, and act however you want. I realize I never gave you that chance. For her, and only her. I'm going to tell you a truth about me."

"Ok," he says, removing his hands from my shoulders.

My body stands frozen as he waits. A light rain is coming down, and I look back to Bella's headstone for reassurance, wishing she could be here for this. Because I know she always would have.

Now she is gone, and I still owe it to her…to myself to finally say it, and it won't mean I stopped loving her.

"Dad, I'm gay." He stands before me, not moving, unable to look me in the eye, as he stares over my shoulder at Bella's grave. The tears burn down my cheeks as I wait for him to accept me or not.

Until this moment I haven't realized how important it is to have his acceptance or not. A tear slowly rolls down his own cheek, and when I think he'll walk away, I am suddenly embraced with a fierceness.

He whispers four simple, but powerful, words in my ear. Words that make my entire world turn over.

"I love you, son!"

"I love you too, Dad."

Dad and I go for coffee, and for the first time in years we talk. I tell him about what Bella meant to me, all the sacrifices she made. I probably put her high on a pedestal as usual, but in my eyes she belongs there.

"You made sacrifices too, Edward." he says after listening.

"I wasn't sure you'd be like this," I motion between us. He sips his coffee before speaking again.

"I know. I wasn't raised to accept such things, but you are my son, Edward. It's always different when it is your children. You can't stop loving them because they are different…You love them more for that. Because you realize it takes great strength to really go for what you want, and be what you are. I can't say I would have been very receptive when you were, say, nineteen, but I'd have come around."

"Mom?" I say, suddenly worried.

"I'll let you speak to her when you are ready. Have no doubt, though, she will be fine too. She thinks the sun sets and rises with you." He laughs, and I join him, knowing that is pretty true.

"God?" I say, rolling my eyes to the sky.

"Well, that is between you and God. I can't answer how He feels for you. You just have to ask Him to understand that this is what you are. I'm sure He knows…" He looks down at his cup with a look of hope on his face.

"I'm not sure how I feel, how I should feel. What if all this is wrong? Am I just supposed to ignore it?" I ask.

"Well, you have so far. Are you happy?"

I shake my head.

"Edward, you're a good man. Don't stop being that, no matter what you decide. Always be who you are. I don't see how anyone can fault you for that. You have a huge responsibility to your son. If he sees you are strong, sure, and happy, he will grow up the same."

"I wish she were still here. We were going to have a beautiful life making babies."

"Something tells me she'd still want you to do that. So do it. Just please, don't shut your mother and me out. We may not be perfect, but we still love you." He stands, throwing down a twenty and walking away.

When I get home later that afternoon Emmett is frantic.

He eyes me sternly over a reheated lunch and holds the baby protectively.

"Did you know you left your cell here?" he asks, as Edward tries to grab the meatballs off of Emmett's plate.

"Sorry, thought I'd be back sooner."

He rolls his eyes and smile as Edward digs a finger into his noodles.

"Hey, no!" Emmet says in a mock yell and sucks sauce off Edward's little fingers, causing him to giggle. He points at the baby and scolds him that he is going to get his little fingers burnt, talking in a baby voice to him.

I smile slyly while eating the not-so-great-tasting dinner he's made. I look up to the heavens, scolding Bella once again for leaving me, then blow a kiss in the air so she'll know I'm not really mad.

I look over to find Emmett and the baby staring at me.

"You okay?" he says with raised eyebrows.

"Yes," I say, removing our plates from the table. I take out a pie I'd baked earlier in the week and place it in the oven to warm.

"So can I know where you went?" he asks, as Edward places his tired head against Emmett's large chest. I kiss his cheek just as he drifts off in Emmett's embrace. He hands him over to me, and I hold him, inhaling deeply his calming baby smell.

"To see Bella," I say, giving Edward a kiss on the head.

"Oh. That's cool."

We both finish dessert and then I put Edward to bed. I've been reading for about two hours when I realize Em hasn't come up to go to bed. We are usually early to sleep because of the little guy, and he's come to sleep next to me since the first night I asked him too. I've kind of gotten used to it.

I check on the baby before heading downstairs in just my boxer shorts, hoping to find him quickly and get back to sleep. The house downstairs is dark, and he sits in a sofa chair by one single lit lamp. He is simply staring off into the dark.

"Em? You okay?"

He looks up, trying to make me out in the dark, and nods.

"Yeah," he says, as an afterthought.

"You coming?" I ask, and he reluctantly nods before turning off the light.

"Careful, it's dark…" I say, reaching out to him. His hand touches mine, and without hesitation I lead us back upstairs.

"Can't sleep without me?" he jokes on the way up the stairs, and I tell him to shut up. He laughs quietly as we pass Edward's room.

I notice he stops following me and turn to see what he is looking at; still my son, I guess. I look into the baby's dark room, trying to see what he does.

"I wish I could give you that," he says honestly, staring down at me. I scratch my head, not replying.

"I love her too, Edward. I'm so gad you had her. I know she is right by his crib, looking out for him, right this moment. She looks out for you too." I agree, nodding.

His hand caresses my bare rib cage as his blue eyes warm me. He is afraid and yet unable to stop his feelings, and for once I don't want him to.

I pull him into my room, just leaving the door open an inch, when I turn to him.

His eyes are wild with want and searching mine for answers.

It is indeed weird how awkward it feels as his large arms encircle me. His breath is warm and heavy across my face. Before I can say anything his lips descend upon mine. They are warm, firm yet soft, and completely willing my brain into melted butter.

My arms encircle his waist, and when it becomes too overwhelming, I lay my head against his chest, trying to catch my breath.

"Wow," I hear him whisper into my hair. "That was so worth the wait."

I chuckle with him, before staring down at the large picture of Bella and me. I've still never hung it or moved it, comforted having her there staring down the bed at me as I sleep. I fight with a thought before reaching over to turn it toward the wall.

"Don't," Emmett says, stopping me.

I look up at him, confused, as he turns the picture back toward us.

"She loved us Edward, and she is in this relationship as much as we are. She is the reason we are all here."

"Emmett. I love you so much," I tell him. "But I am so scared. I don't know what I'm doing, and I am never going to stop loving her. Any man—not just you—has to know that."

"And I do," he says, taking my hand and kissing it gently. "We have all the time in the world to figure this out."

We do make love that night for the first time, though to some it may not be defined as such. We sleep in our underwear, holding each other tightly. We kiss passionately, we talk of the future, we tangle our bodies, and seek out pleasure, but it is slow and different, somehow more meaningful.

I'm not ready for the big stuff, but he doesn't care. He vows to take care of me and li'l Edward for as long as we'll allow, which I know will be forever.

He gives up his condo and moves in. He is so devoted to us that I never once worry that he'll be a bad thing in Edward's life. He is indeed a second father to him and always treasures him so. Edward thinks he is the icing on his cake and knows how to manipulate him to his will.

Together we grow up: three men in different stages of their lives, just trying to be good, loving people. If Bella were here now I know she'd be so happy. I know she'd cry and tell me that she is proud, and that she'd also tell me to get over her. But I never will, and I am so thankful to be with a man who understands that.

Understands that by loving her, I'm not rejecting him, or who I am, because in the end we are all people. No matter where we find our love.

End.


End file.
